dreadfulpenny | Entries tagged with introspection

kosmickway asked in the latest 'ask me five questions' meme:

1) If you and J could travel anywhere and money was no object whatsoever, where would you go and what would you do?
A grand tour! Italy, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Russia, the east Asian nations, Australia, the Middle Eastern nations. The UK too, but to a lesser extent. The canals, the Parthenon, the Louvre, the coffee shops, St. Petersburg, the Great Wall...I want to see everything that is different, ancient and meaningful. I want to fill my ears with the unfamiliar music of other languages, eat the food, walk the old streets, mix with non-Americans for a while. And then, when all's said and done, a loooooong cruise home :)

2) Is there anything your Mom could do that would help you to reconcile with her?
I'm not sure what you mean by reconcile. We have spoken here and there (mostly on Facebook), and we are civil to each other. She is no longer "mom" and hasn't been in a long time. I'm not sure that we can ever have the kind of relationship that most people have with their mothers. Ever. I have had a long line of women standing in her place when I needed a "mom" for some thing or another. I do not feel anger or even resentment towards her (much), and I truly do wish her well in her life. In pure practical terms, some financial assistance would probably help right now. Maybe the chance to look her in the eye and inform of her just how much her selfishness impacted my life before I finally got over everything. No anger, no maliciousness; I just feel that she needs to understand just how much one's actions impact other people's lives.

3) What's your proudest achievement, either in academic, working, writing, or personal life?
Right now, the best I can say is that I haven't given up yet. I'm home sick from work today and not having the best time in general in my life right now, so that's all I've got.

4) In what ways would you like to see yourself change and grow from your 30s to your 40s?
I'd like to get my temper under control for good. I'd like to finally cultivate a sense of discipline and work ethic - I've been slacking and snoozing my way through life for way, way too long. I want to finish something, achieve something that I've earned, even just keep my damned bedroom organized on a consistent basis.

5)If you were given the chance to swap places with any character on any show, movie, or video game, who would you choose and why?
Kaylee on Firefly :D She's sweet, capable, smart, absolutely adorable and I really love her spunk. No matter what happens to her, she bounces back and manages keep her spirit alive.

First runner-up is Elizabeth from the POTC films. Again, smart and spunky AND she got to captain her own pirate ship.

*****

The meme Kway posted requests that you reply with the words "come at me" if you want your own set of questions, but I'd rather you not use that term ;) Anyway, you know the drill. If you want questions, hit me, I'll give them to you and you post them in your own journal.

Current Mood: blah

We are finally finished with the Hell Apartment.

It could have been so much worse. But the longer that we lived there, the easier it was to see that it was a thrown together, cheap, unclean sort of place that had no ventilation and POT HOLES in all of the floors (there were dips in every room, places where chunks of the floor were missing -- their solution was to simply put carpet or linoleum OVER the holes). I swear it has mold. I saw it in the bathroom, behind the tiles. It looked like mildew on steroids, which it essentially was. There was so much wrong with that place that going into it would mean me writing for hours about the horrible place that it was. I do not want to do that.

We are currently staying at Mother In Law's house. We'll be moving into our new place on October 15th. I am feeling so much better now that I'm not staying in the old apartment. Physically speaking, I am not waking up with a headache and a stuffy head, my sense of smell has gotten better (it had faded a lot) and so has my sense of taste. Last night I could *taste* iceberg lettuce in my husband's salad. I had forgotten that iceberg lettuce even *had* a taste, as little as it is. I've been sleeping better (granted it's only been three nights and two of those nights were glorified naps). I am feel so clearheaded right now. It's amazing. I cannot get over this feeling. Sleeping late for the last year has always led to headaches and a horrible feeling. I suspect that I wasn't breathing correctly in my sleep at the last place and that was the cause of the headaches and the insomnia. I was becoming convinced that I had sleep apnea (and I may still). But I feel *good* this morning. And I felt that way yesterday and the day before. Maybe I have stronger allergies than I knew before. Mother In Law doesn't have carpet in any rooms except the bedrooms and office. The rest of the house is tiled.

That apartment was bad for me in a lot of ways. I can see that now that I'm out. I cannot get over how much better I am feeling right now. I feel like myself. That's a magical feeling.

...And I'm sitting outside in Mother In Law's back yard and a dragonfly just sailed by. There are moths and birds and trees and flowers and the only non-natural sound is coming from me and Brandon Flowers singing to me while I write. The dogs are searching for moles. The puppy is digging in the dirt (she loves to dig) and even though I know that Mother In Law won't like it, I don't have the heart to stop her.

I am so content right now. I just wanted to throw that out there while I was thinking about it. The sun is shining, it's not hot and I have new-to-me music by one of my favorite artists (the Flowers album is awesome so far). Even though all of my belongings are haphazardly packed up and stuffed in Mother In Law's garage, and I am still aware of the financial issues, I am still somehow happy right now.

Anyway! Today is our day OFF. I am sitting outside in the perfect weather and I am getting ready to read fiction. Later we're going to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp, because my husband loves it and he has worked so hard in the last week. We'll watch Six Feet Under and maybe, just maybe, I will write. Tomorrow I anticipate much of the same, only perhaps with some light housework, as I don't want to allow our borrowed house to become cluttered or dirty.

Current Mood: happy, at last
Current Music: Brandon Flowers - "Was It Something I Said?"

For some reason I am moved to update. So here I am.

It's kind of amazing. Day two without the Giant Timesuck has proven to be just as comfortable and productive as day one was. I once again read for a while (yesterday was Eclipse [shuttup], and tonight was Crime and Punishment, which is probably some sort of smart-ass response to the SMeyer fluff [and by the way I cannot express how much it truly amuses me to have the two volumes sitting on top of each other on my nightstand]) and continued the now-ongoing project to clean up my iPod. I have hundreds of doubles and broken files -- it was an enormous mess and I've barely scratched the surface. While I liked the Timesuck (a game that I was kicked out of, basically -- although, they have relented and will let me play again if I so choose), it was taking my energy and creativity away. I had become a pointless little simian, pushing the button over and over again because it gave me the sensation of happiness, even though I was subconsciously miserable at the lack of meaningful content in my life. Ridiculous game, Facebook and reading my f-list were just about all I did, aside from devouring too much television. It wasn't pretty.

I don't know that I want to go back to playing the game, even though I have been permitted back. I like the feeling that I have right now. I am filled with quiet accomplishment and I feel much more relaxed than I have in a while. I haven't really had fun with the game in a while. It was more something that I was used to doing than something that I looked forward to doing. So I might be done. In fact, I think that I NEED to be done. It was just another way to indulge my internet addiction (which I'm already not proud of). And it really is that. I don't want to be that way any more. I don't want to sit around reading about life on a little glowing screen. I want to live it.

I want to infuse my life with richness and detail. I want colors, experiences, tastes, smells, aromas, sensations, experiences. More of the scent of the Asian grocery, my hair getting caught in handcuffs, stroking gorgeous silk saris, crunching on bamboo shoots, listening to all kinds of music and reading Russian literature (or fluffy teenage romances with Extra Vampire Angst) and much, MUCH less huddling over my laptop clicking buttons and reading about what everybody else is doing with their life. In other words I want to quit being depressed.

Yeah. That's it.

I want to quit being depressed. Badly. I want my give-a-damn to work correctly. I think that it is starting to turn a little more in tune now, thanks in no small part to my new supplements and a conscious effort to take care of myself when I need it. I hope to God that it lasts.

In other news, WORDS. I am getting my words back. It's amazing. Look, I used "simian" up there. I don't know that I could have done that a week ago. I sort of feel like I'm remembering who I used to be before the internet addiction got so terrible. The trick is going to be continuing in the same fashion.

In other OTHER news, this is my new favorite song:

This isn't the actual video, and I don't want to see the official version if there is one. I dreamed an awesome version of my own a few days ago that I am terribly attached to.

PS: Anybody know of any icon request communities? I need a simple one, text and textures, but have no PhotoShop of my very own.

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Metro Station - "Tell Me What to Do"

This started as a response to an entry on

whitecrow0's journal. She said "I want you to treat yourself and your journal as something outside of yourself you are trying to promote. I want you to treat yourself as you would your most-adored friend." I started writing, and this is what I came up with:

I've never used anything other than my true first name on the internet. Despite this, friends have given me a dozen other names and titles. Honestly, I prefer Wendy. I'm approaching my mid-twenties at an alarming rate. Part of me is and will always remain a child, though I'm becoming steeped in adulthood. For example, if asked to describe my perfect day, it would still include ice cream cones and roller coasters, though it's far more likely to end with margaritas and silk bedsheets than it is with pizza and a Disney movie.

I like Disney movies (the old ones) and pizza (pepperoni, pineapple, mushrooms and black olives) just fine though. I love candles, chocolate, cinnamon, techno music, driving down the interstate in the middle of the night with all of the windows down, dogs (all kinds), certain cats, the snow, and walking through the rain. I am a mixed bag of likes and dislikes. I love vegetarian sushi and expensive coffee, but I'm also thrilled with a really good peanut-butter and strawberry jam sandwich and a glass of milk. I live in jeans (slim-fitting, boot-cut low-riders are my current favorites) and consider myself to be a well-versed denim critic.

I am a student. I will be a student for the rest of my life, even if it's only through independent study. Learning is one of the most important things in the universe. There's so much to absorb and know, and I want to know as much of it as I possibly can. I love to read - reading is like opening a door to another world. When I finish a book, I feel as though I've absorbed new lives into my own. This is part of the reason why I found LiveJournal so appealing. It gave me a chance to look into so many other worlds and lives. I call myself a writer, but I haven't touched any of my work in far too long. I write in a journal every single day, whether it is an electronic one or a bound book that I keep by my bed. I do this because I *have* to. My mind becomes a confusing, crowded place to be if I don't do this. I cannot make sense of anything until it is written down before me. I began writing fiction because I saw characters in my head that wouldn't go away. They were moving around, living lives of their own, and it was frustrating because I needed to get through my life. It was impossible to do with a dozen other people walking around inside my mind. Like fictional parasites, these creatures sucked my mental energy, and it was impossible to focus on anything else. So I began to write about them to release them, much in the way that I wrote in a journal to release objective thoughts. Fortunately, this seemed to work. Unfortunately, new characters sprang up like weeds and continue to suck my time and thought. It's an unending cycle, but that's ok with me.

I am a sensitive person who feels other people's pain deeply. I will always stop to listen when a person needs a listening ear. I am a peaceful soul. I am convinced that the entire world is an enormous sandbox, and I want to be left alone to play in my corner. I become incensed when other people stray from their corners and start screwing around with everybody else's castles and sand-dragons. Put simply, it's "live and let live" to the nth degree, and THAT is why I get so worked up over certain issues. I refuse to judge people, unless something has been done that violates another life.

I love people. I love humanity as a whole. I love watching them move around through their lives, marvelling at the fact that everybody seems so different while we are very, very similar. I love my friends and family fiercely and will go to battle and fight for every single one of them if the need arises. I love an individual person, but I'm cautious and practical enough to know that our relationship is a carefully balanced one, and that drastic action could upset the whole thing.

Music is one of the most important things to my life. It's hard for me to put my thoughts on this into words. There is always a song in my head, and it varies with my mood. Music defines my mood, my state of mind, and my life. Every phase that I've ever gone through has a theme song (or an entire soundtrack) to accompany it.

I believe in God, but I also believe that there are innumerable ways to worship the Higher Being of the universe. I read tarot cards and get flashes of warning. Sometimes I simply know things, and I can't explain why, and if I try to do it deliberately, sometimes I fail. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and I believe that I'm in the place where I'm supposed to be, even though it might not be the place where I want to be.