dreadfulpenny: (A blaze of light)
I have so much on my mind. It's mostly all revolving around a few unhappy subjects - money (we don't have enough of it, that was easy) and my job.

The job part is complex. Because, you see, I LIKE my job, and I like where I work, but days like today really, truly make me feel like I can't do it anywhere near well enough. I doubt my own abilities. I feel like I cannot keep up and everyone is secretly criticizing me and the decision that led me to this store. I hate that feeling so much. Plus, one man was extremely rude to me today and I am worried that he will complain and use my name. If this happens too many times, I will be demoted and we cannot afford that. That's a worry for another day. I can't do anything about it now, and I know that I was as polite as I could be to this man, and he was angry because he has a fungus infection and he had to wait for his prescription. That's not my fault.

I need to try and find an outlet of SOME sort. I would really like to learn to quilt. I have fabric and the basic, beginner supplies. I enjoy doing things with my hands. It's very relaxing to me to do busywork like sewing. I suppose I could just start stitching and see where that takes me. I've started a respectable collection of fabric scraps and pieces. All that's left is to start putting them together and seeing what comes out, I guess. I'm also trying to get back to writing more, here and in a physical journal. That helps somewhat. I need something to give meaning into my life. I look at what I have and I know that I have so much already, so many things that other people don't have. I have a job that mostly supports my life, a husband that I love who is also my best friend, a place to live, a car that is equipped with air conditioning (and tinted windows now), a working laptop computer with access to the internet, hundreds (maybe thousands) of things to read and watch, enough food to eat, enough clothing to wear...I have so much. I am not ungrateful for the things that I have. I am simply feeling hollow right now, like a clockwork version of myself. I go through the motions, and I appear to be OK, but I don't feel like anything has any significance any more.

Ennui. My problem is ennui. I have an overwhelming, alarming case of ennui. I want...NEED...something different in my life. K's thinking about going to Korea. I wish that I could toss everything to fate and sign up to do something like that. Damned responsibilities and burdens. I hate it so much.

We're seeing Blue October for the last time for a while in August. I don't think that J and I will be going to too many concerts for a while once we move back to Florida. We're not near ANYTHING in PC. We've been a stone's throw from Dallas this whole time, and we've tried to take advantage of it as much as possible. We've gone as far as San Antonio and Austin for shows previously, and that's not bad. I just consulted Mapquest, and it's approximately six hours (nonstop) to Orlando from PC, so maybe we'll get to go to a few things. But my boys in Blue don't go to Florida all that often. Or haven't in the past. Their new album drops the day before the show we're going to (August 16th), so who knows if they'll really explode this time or not.

All right. That's enough of that. I'm going to go change clothes and go bug J. at the shop. He needs to come home.

July 2015

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