dreadfulpenny: (Jack.dream)
I am starting my new year early, so to speak. This means (again) working on time management and trying to devote my time to things that I know are worthwhile. I know that everyone needs a break sometimes, so I'll still do some of the frivolous things that I've been up to lately. I just won't do ONLY frivolous things (which has, sadly, been my primary source of occupation for a while). I've given up my delightful wastes of time that end in -ville as the first step.

Which means that instead of getting up this morning and noodling away on my fake farm, fake frontier and fake city, I got up and cooked these for our dinner tonight, after not being able to do so yesterday morning before work. Now, instead of tending to the aforementioned false enterprises, I'm writing in my blog and getting ready to read a few chapters in Whitechapel Gods. (This book is going to be the first that I read start to finish without touching any other books. I haven't done that in years. I am HORRIBLE about starting one book, getting bored, then starting another. It's sickening and I need to stop because I never FINISH anything.) I feel accomplished already. It's a nice change from the vaguely irritated feeling that I used to carry around after finishing up with the false enterprises. It's strange to admit this, but I'm pretty sure I was (am) addicted to those stupid, stupid games.

It's irritating. I have known for a while that I have an addictive personality. It's just such a frustrating thing to deal with. The willpower required to overcome said addictions is almost nonexistent unless I am in top form. That was something that almost never used to happen. Turns out I was depressed and miserable for a long time. I'm much better now, so it's time to truly kick my ridiculous habit. I can freely acknowledge that it's a ridiculous addiction to have. Nevertheless, it is mine and, ridiculous or not, I struggle with it. It takes up too much of my life. The rest of my life is affected because of it. There have been numerous occasions wherein I have ignored responsibilities in favor of playing those damned games. I have made myself late for work. I have ignored my husband and pets. I feel horrible for doing those things. So it's time to change.

Starting with words. I used to have the Farmville app on my iPhone. I deleted it and instead of "farming" last night while J. was shopping in Lowes, I read a book on my Kindle app instead. This is something that I haven't done in ages. It felt really wonderful. I've also taken up my non-internet journal again. This also feels incredibly wonderful. I knew in the back of my head that I must write in a journal nearly daily in order to keep my mind organized and calm. I just wasn't doing it for the longest time. My hours were spent on wastes of time. No more. I've often griped that my time is very valuable to me. I get very little of it to myself. Now it's time to fill my free time with things that really do matter to me, instead of things that just frustrate me and make me feel stupider when I'm finished. Go me.
dreadfulpenny: (Imagined)
For some reason I am moved to update. So here I am.

It's kind of amazing. Day two without the Giant Timesuck has proven to be just as comfortable and productive as day one was. I once again read for a while (yesterday was Eclipse [shuttup], and tonight was Crime and Punishment, which is probably some sort of smart-ass response to the SMeyer fluff [and by the way I cannot express how much it truly amuses me to have the two volumes sitting on top of each other on my nightstand]) and continued the now-ongoing project to clean up my iPod. I have hundreds of doubles and broken files -- it was an enormous mess and I've barely scratched the surface. While I liked the Timesuck (a game that I was kicked out of, basically -- although, they have relented and will let me play again if I so choose), it was taking my energy and creativity away. I had become a pointless little simian, pushing the button over and over again because it gave me the sensation of happiness, even though I was subconsciously miserable at the lack of meaningful content in my life. Ridiculous game, Facebook and reading my f-list were just about all I did, aside from devouring too much television. It wasn't pretty.

I don't know that I want to go back to playing the game, even though I have been permitted back. I like the feeling that I have right now. I am filled with quiet accomplishment and I feel much more relaxed than I have in a while. I haven't really had fun with the game in a while. It was more something that I was used to doing than something that I looked forward to doing. So I might be done. In fact, I think that I NEED to be done. It was just another way to indulge my internet addiction (which I'm already not proud of). And it really is that. I don't want to be that way any more. I don't want to sit around reading about life on a little glowing screen. I want to live it.

I want to infuse my life with richness and detail. I want colors, experiences, tastes, smells, aromas, sensations, experiences. More of the scent of the Asian grocery, my hair getting caught in handcuffs, stroking gorgeous silk saris, crunching on bamboo shoots, listening to all kinds of music and reading Russian literature (or fluffy teenage romances with Extra Vampire Angst) and much, MUCH less huddling over my laptop clicking buttons and reading about what everybody else is doing with their life. In other words I want to quit being depressed.

Yeah. That's it.

I want to quit being depressed. Badly. I want my give-a-damn to work correctly. I think that it is starting to turn a little more in tune now, thanks in no small part to my new supplements and a conscious effort to take care of myself when I need it. I hope to God that it lasts.

In other news, WORDS. I am getting my words back. It's amazing. Look, I used "simian" up there. I don't know that I could have done that a week ago. I sort of feel like I'm remembering who I used to be before the internet addiction got so terrible. The trick is going to be continuing in the same fashion.

In other OTHER news, this is my new favorite song:

This isn't the actual video, and I don't want to see the official version if there is one. I dreamed an awesome version of my own a few days ago that I am terribly attached to.

PS: Anybody know of any icon request communities? I need a simple one, text and textures, but have no PhotoShop of my very own.

July 2015

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