dreadfulpenny: (Thinking)
I just saw a picture of the Gulf of Mexico, and it literally took my breath away. I didn't think I'd miss the Florida beaches as much as I do. I can hear the waves crashing, smell the salt air. I'm truly homesick right now. I'm feeling an ache in my chest as I look at more pictures.

I'm on day ... four, I think, of my vacation. I finally feel rested. It's been a long time since I felt OK. I have realized just how much I do not like my job, and just how unhappy it is making me. This is not good. I'm going to have to find a solution to this soon. My health cannot afford for me to continue being unhappy all of the time. It really can't.

I'm OK though. For the moment anyway. I'm off until next Tuesday. I wish that we could afford to do something fun. Edgefest is this weekend, and we can't go. I reeeally want to. Blue October, Evanescence, Civil Twilight, Neon Trees, Cake, the Black Keys, Cage the Elephant...they're all going to be there, plus many more, and we cannot afford the $150 that it would take (this isn't including the food and gas money, either). I mean, we could, but we really shouldn't. Being responsible blows sometimes.
dreadfulpenny: (WanderedOn)
Tonight, my Devil-darling posted about Sean Stewart's Mockingbird in her book blog. It made me start to think just a bit. I haven't read the book, but per Devil's review, the author seems to do a magnificent job with the setting (Houston, TX). I want to read it now - I am becoming fond of my adopted state, even as I think that perhaps I might not be staying here. I seem to have adopted a sort of gypsy lifestyle since I finished high school. I didn't mean to. It just makes me realize that I have lived in three states (three and a half, in some way - coastal Virginia is very different from hill country Virginia). I don't know what state I will ultimately choose as my own. I can safely lay claim to Virginia, but I'm not sure how much I miss it. I loved and hated Florida at once (and I miss the sushi so badly that it makes the back of my throat ache when I truly crave it). Texas is growing on me, even as certain aspects just make me tired and a little angry. I wonder if I will ever truly know a place intimately enough to capture it properly on paper.
dreadfulpenny: (Accomplished)

I am posting this via iPhone from bed because I am thrilled to say that I MADE IT TO BED LIKE A BOSS.

You see, a half hour ago, I felt utterly stranded on the couch. Everything hurt. I was seriously contemplating sleeping on the couch. Sensibility intervened, thankfully. I told myself that anti inflammatories and an Ace bandage would help with the worst of it. I had no alarm. I had nothing to read until I fell asleep. The pups wouldn't have cuddled up with me (not when there's a perfectly good Dad asleep in the big, soft bed...screw Mummy and the couch). No comfy blankets on the couch. So I gritted my teeth and moved.

I have not ached so badly in ages. Exercise routine starts Monday, because I am only thirty one damned years old. I'm sick of feeling elderly before my time.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

dreadfulpenny: (Default)

My grandfathers dying.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

dreadfulpenny: (Pouty)
I am in a particularly foul mood right now.
whinge.whinge.whinge.whinge. )
dreadfulpenny: (ImmortalJester)
The tentacles of the economy have finally snaked into my life. My hours got cut at work today. Still livable, but the song isn't over yet. They'll likely be cut again in June.

We will get through it just as everyone else has - the best way that we are able.
dreadfulpenny: (Back Off)
So now, not only am I working on my birthday tomorrow, and having dinner with my extended in-laws at the OLIVE GARDEN (which I like, but I want sushi) and not getting to go roller blading and have a picnic of Greek fast food out in the beautiful springtime weather...I can't even do any of those things on Saturday!! I have to go to goats-damned Dallas with my MIL and her goats-damned, insipid, waste of flesh "boyfriend" (who she doesn't even like). All because my dessert-obsessed husband and MIL want to go to Bucca di Beppo and get that stupid, huge brownie sundae (google it). I do not have that much of a sweet tooth. I never eat more than four or five bites of dessert. I cannot stand the indulgence, honestly. But we're doing it for "my" birthday. Yeah.

Shaping up to be the worst birthday ever.

dreadfulpenny: (Cooking)
There's been so ... MUCH happening to the people around me. Two semi-significant deaths occurred, plus a third that has made me think. My great grandmother passed away last night - no condolences needed, I barely knew her, and she did not treat my grandfather (her only son, I might point out) very well at all. As such, the rest of my family was not directly involved in her life. My grandfather is not taking the news well, but he is not well in general. I spoke with my father this morning. He and his brothers are supposed to be pall bearers for her funeral. My father said that the only reason he was doing it was for my grandfather's sake. Grandpa and Grandmama can't make it to the funeral due to health reasons. Grandpa's still on chemo.

Last week, the Mike half of KrisAndMike passed away. I am not terribly concerned about this one either. The two of them treated me terribly, not to mention their utterly horrible treatment of [livejournal.com profile] kosmickway. Out of respect, I hope that he finally finds peace, and that she doesn't suffer too much now. In a way it's like that hateful, turbulent chapter of my life is finally, finally closed.

Then there was the wife of a friend of a friend. I'm not close to the widower at all, but her death has been thought provoking. What would happen to J. if I were to meet a similar fate? He's nowhere near as resilient as the FoF is. What would happen to ME if something were to happen to him? It's all a bit troubling.

And now...NOW, Jay has some kind of stomach flu now, plus he's recovering from his procedure, and it's just been a long, rough week. I'm doing the best I can to bite my tongue and be patient, but it's hard. The only time I came close to losing my temper was a little while ago when I stubbed my toe in the kitchen. This led to my already fragile husband getting upset because I was hurt and there wasn't anything he could do. Poor kid. He had a fever all day yesterday and it broke some time last night. He's still very much not himself at all.

So, today's going to be quiet. I was originally scheduled to work, but J. was so sick that I traded to have the day off, giving up my birthday three-day weekend in the process. Last night I was kind of irritated because Jay seemed to be feeling so much better, but this morning he was still not well enough to be left alone. So I suppose it's a good thing that it worked out this way. I'm working on cleaning up the house (a huge job - it's been virtually untouched since Tuesday). I'm also getting to do some actual cooking (beef roast in the slow cooker) and cook some beef stock from bones that I picked up at the grocery store the other day. That's a plus. I'm still a bit dismayed at having to work on my birthday now, but as I'm so fond of saying, everything happens for a reason.

Happy weekend.
dreadfulpenny: (Bored)
The first thing that I did when I got home today was put the vodka in the freezer (I don't make drinks at home much, and at one point needed the room in the freezer). The next thing I did was stick my new wild blueberry mixer and Bloody Mary mixes in the freezer along with it. I'll decide in a little while which one I want.

It's been one of those days.

J had The Surgery done today. I have dozens of thoughts about this, but I'm going to leave it alone for now. I'm tired and hungry (haven't had a proper meal at all today), and J's in a decent amount of pain. I'm in the middle of making dinner for J. He's having blackened fish filets and crash potatoes. I'm having takeout from Jersey Mike's (an Italian, with lots of red pepper relish). I am so unbelievably tired and worn out, yet anxious at the same time. It's a weird feeling.

Anyway. Hope you're all having the best evening you're able to.

Edit: I went with the blueberry. And my sandwich didn't have NEARLY enough red pepper relish. V. disappointed.
dreadfulpenny: (Default)

Watching Access Hollywood. Betty White and two other actresses are being interviewed. Ms White is being asked questions. THE OTHER ACTRESSES ARE ANSWERING FOR HER. She's old, not incompetent! How utterly insulting to the current grande dame of the comedy world.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

dreadfulpenny: (Despair)
There was an entry here, but it doesn't matter anymore. If you know [livejournal.com profile] popfiend, pray for him and his family right now, please. If you don't know him, but you are still the sort to think of people in times of grief, please do so. He lost his wife today.
dreadfulpenny: (Default)
Testing.  I'm having problems logging in. 


Mother-effing LiveJournal would not let me log in correctly.  I'm not sure why or what's going on, but it tried to force me to link to my Facebook account, which I AM NOT DOING EVER.  I am really pissed off about this.  This may be the thing that chases me from LJ, where I have a permanent account.  Good grief.
dreadfulpenny: (Default)

Dear Self:

You must not purchase any more books until you have finished at least five of the books you have sitting on your nightstand. This does not even begin to take The Book Room into consideration. The only exception to the rule is the Daily Deal Exception. Or a sale like that on American Gods last week (which you must also finish before more books are brought home). This really is for the best, and your copy of The Talisman is almost certainly in storage and will almost certainly show up eventually. If it has not appeared by Valentine's Day, and you still want to read it, you may acquire the Kindle edition BUT you have to finish Lisey's Story first. So! Five books from the nightstand, American Gods and Lisey's Story before you can even crack open this particular book. That could take months with all of the non-book things that you have to do. Sorry dear.

Slightly More Rational Self

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

dreadfulpenny: (*glee*)
First attempt at trying something new didn't really work out that well. Failed at toffee-izing the sweetened condensed milk - either the water needed to be hotter, or I needed to cook it longer. Banoffee pie 1, Wendil 0. But the homemade whipped cream turned out well.

And damn it was tasty, too. *dies of sugar overload*
dreadfulpenny: (Funny World)

The first day of vacation, my true love gave to meeeeee!

A breakfast picnic in the back yard!


Yes, today marks the first real vacation that I've had in far, far, FAR too long. I can't remember the last time that I took a long vacation and didn't have plans. I even went places on my short vacations last year (I spent a few memorable days in Florida in the spring and we went camping in August). We aren't planning to go anywhere. I'm using this opportunity to stay home, organize my home and rest up. I have had very little mental or emotional energy of late, and it's far past time to recharge. I may even get a chance to socialize a bit. I have probable plans with a friend on Tuesday evening and another potential good friend has made noises about going to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo soonish (she wants to finish the book first). My main goal is to catch up on things.

First, I started by catching up with cleaning the house a bit. I mopped the front hallway this morning (using a white vinegar solution, because I am a good hippy Earth mother sometimes). Then I went out and swept the patio. It's become a haven for dead leaves. Texas, you see, experiences fall just like everyone else, only it usually happens three or four months after everybody else. So our leaves are falling and the trees are giving up nuts and etc. This means that our patio was taken over by dead leaves and sticks. J. has been fighting the big fight to keep it clean, but he was still snoozing. I decided to take advantage of the absolutely beautiful day (it's 71 degrees right now!) and work on the sweeping myself. It's a fruitless, pointless task, I won't lie. As soon as a bundle of leaves went into the rubbish bin, another batch would come sweeping down the formerly clean area and invade the corners that I had just finished cleaning out. It was good exercise in perfect, sunny weather though, and I really enjoyed it. Plus the puppy got a chance to frolic outside at her leisure. Good, happy music, sunshine, a breeze, a joyful puppy...all perfect.

It was all capped by a lovely breakfast picnic with my love. I wasn't quite truthful in my "First Day of Vacation" song. I went and picked up the doughnuts and croissants this morning myself. But it works in the context of the song.

Anyway, on with my catching up project. I've been catching up on my reading. I finally got into The Hunger Games, and it was amazing. It's not the best-written book or the most original plot ever, but it sucked me right in. I haven't been so engaged and interested in a book in ages. Years, maybe. I'm plowing right along through the second book, too. It's just as good, but I'm starting to get that distraction that always sets in when I get to the end of an excellent reading/viewing experience. I believe that I subconsciously do not want the experience to end, so I end up setting the book aside and going on to other things. I am always so reluctant to finish a series, because it means leaving that place. I can never read it for the first time ever, ever again. The most memorable example of this was when I was reading Robin Hobb's original Farseer sequence. I was on the third trilogy, the "Fool" books, and by the time I was nearly finished with the third book in that trilogy, I knew it was almost over. So I didn't finish it for three months. I did the same thing with Patrick Rothfuss' The Name of the Wind. I didn't finish it until the sequel was finally published last year. I'm trying to avoid my bad habit this year and actually finish a book from start to finish, reading nothing else in the meantime. This is something that I haven't done for years. I'm hoping it works.

And that's it for me for now. I leave you with one of my favorite songs of the moment, by an excellent band out of DFW, Air Review.


Dec. 27th, 2011 01:53 pm
dreadfulpenny: (Books2)
2011 has sucked so many different kinds of ass. I am so glad that it is on the way out the door. If it wants to leave early, that would be totally OK with me.

Christmas was nice and quiet. I worked on both the 24th and 25th, so we celebrated with Jonathan's family on the 24th. I worked a mid-shift on the 25th (10a-6p). My coworker K.'s mother brought us lunch in the way of tasty little finger sandwiches, cookies and chips (and it took her about thirty minutes to get to the store - she's sweet). We filled perhaps two or three dozen prescriptions during the course of my eight hour shift. If that. I used the rest of the time to organize the filing cabinet. When I got home, my mother in law came over. We watched Top Gear, ate chili, and I baked some of the sugar cookie dough that I'd made a few days previously. Nice and quiet, spent with the company of family. I just wish that I'd been able to see my grandparents or Kway, or some of my Florida friends.

I've come up with an idea for a new project in 2012. Still working out the details, but it's going to be a book blog, halfway between Calico Reaction and Mark Reads... (he's currently on The Lord of the Rings - previous selections include Twilight, The Hunger Games trilogy and Harry Potter). I'm trying to figure out a good angle, and I'll know more soon, but I think it's going to be fun. I just need to figure out a good name for the blog and which book I'm going to start with. I really, really want this to work out.

Speaking of books, I'm finally reading The Hunger Games. I'm glad that I waited until they were all available to start, because I don't think that I'd stand the wait between books all that well. On the other hand, I'm kind of sorry that I missed out on all of the fun of the anticipation of what was coming next and the fandom activity. Anyway, I really like what I'm reading, and I find myself falling into the story with so much more ease than anything else that I've read lately.

I miss fandom. I'm not involved in any of them anymore. The trailer for The Hobbit's making the rounds. I feel like I'm the only person not excited about it. I think that it would be different if I had the prospect of seeing it with [livejournal.com profile] devilwrites or [livejournal.com profile] kosmickway, but that's just not going to happen, barring me winning Super Mega Powerball, and that hasn't happened yet (mostly because I don't buy tickets). I'm really missing the early days of the Buffy fandom too - J's watching the series for the first time right now, and it's making me nostalgic. Jealous too - there's so many awesome episodes that he's going to get to see for the first time - "Hush," "Once More With Feeling," "Restless," the whole Faith-as-Buffy two parter...so jealous of him. For the record - he really likes it, too. He loved Firefly, and I thought that he'd better see where Joss Whedon started. Success!

On that note, it's time to stop for lunch. Ta!
dreadfulpenny: (Argh!)
I must stop eating finger foods at work. I have come to the conclusion that this is how I'm getting sick all of the time, always. Yes, I wash my hands as often as possible. Evidently it is still not working out the way that it should. I'll eat my chips with chopsticks if I have to. *shakes fist*

In case you couldn't deduce from the previous paragraph, I am once again fighting off a head cold/sinus infection. It's the least attractive thing in the world. But, as usual, Claritin-D and Kleenex are assisting in the removal of the snot-goblins from my head. I wish I could stay home and just sleeeeeep, for at least two days, but I cannot. Alas. I'm taking a vacation in January (the second week), and I'll probably be a slug for at least the first two days of my planned ten. I've earned that, I think, after the year that I've had.

Also, I know we still have about two weeks left, but I'm already starting to tell 2011 to kiss my ass. I want next year to be better. That's all I want out of life right now, a better situation for myself and the people that I care about.
dreadfulpenny: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd] Poverty.  So many problems erupt because of people not having enough in the way of financial resources to get by.
dreadfulpenny: (Despair)
My kitten just went home with somebody else.  Because my husband's bipolar has gotten out of control, and he hates cats and can no longer handle having her around.  His anger problems are growing.  The doctor at the VA will not see him until February.  We will be calling them back tomorrow and insisting upon a meeting with her. 

So Maggie went home with somebody else, because J. can't handle our life right now, and sending Maggie to a home that will love and appreciate her was the best thing for him and for her.  I am heartbroken.  I miss her.  I have cried on and off all day.  I can hold it together for a little while, but then I remember that Maggie used to crawl inside of the water bottle case and hang out.  That was her house.  Then I turn away and notice my husband's shoes, which causes me to remember that she used to use his sandals as battle armor when she was playing with Vivi.  And then the worst part happens, I remember that she will not be cuddling up with me tonight when I go to bed, and that I didn't even get to sleep with her last night because she accidentally got out and was out all night without me even being aware. 

I miss her so.  I feel like I regained a piece of myself only to have it ripped away again.  I never thought I'd have another cat again, and when J. brought her home in September, I was so happy and felt so hopeful that maybe things would work out.  They didn't, and I'm heartbroken. 

I have no kitten-hat (she liked to sleep on my pillow).  She's not curled up next to me on the couch right now. 

I have to stop.  I'm crying and I can't see anymore.
dreadfulpenny: (Fear Me3)
Yesterday saw me hiding in my bed, occasionally whimpering and even crying once because my head hurt just so damned much.  I started out the day groggy, but basically OK.  I went to work and was semi-functional for approximately two and three-quarters hours before being struck by random, hideous nausea.  So I went home.  The migraines are getting worse.  This is not the first time that I have been reduced to tears and cringing from the light, but this also did not start until about two weeks ago.  This is also the first time that nausea has played into the equation.  I'm tempted to shake my head and howl at the unfairness of life - every day, I dispense medicine to people who pay for it with my tax dollars, and I cannot afford to go to the doctor myself - but it just makes me tired right now.  Maybe I'm getting old.  Maybe I'm getting complacent.  It doesn't matter either way, the fact remains that I need a doctor who will write a prescription for Relpax or Imitrex or even Fioricet, but I cannot get one because I have sketchy health insurance and no money for co-pays right now.

Want to know what Evil Corporate Drug Store's solution for its employees having poor health insurance was?  They sent out company-mandated fliers that recommended that team members seek Medicaid if we find our current health insurance insufficient.  Meanwhile they throw money around with careless abandon while our sales are going down, and we're about to stop accepting one of the biggest health insurance companies that there is - this is the one that covers the MILITARY, folks.  So, if you're in the Army, can't get to an on-base pharmacy at 3:00am and need to because your child is sick, guess what?  You can still use your local, 24-hour Evil Corporate Pharmacy, sure!  But we're going to charge you $100+ for a few doses of that nausea medicine that your baby needs.  Because we're just that hideous.

The hell of it is that I cannot afford to quit.  I do not have the luxury of standing up for my morals and walking out and finding a new place to work, because I've been with this company so long that my pay has reached the level in which it will not be matched by any competitors.  And we cannot afford for me to make less money at this time.  I'm getting sicker (headaches getting worse, mental health going down, gaining weight) because the stress is starting to eat at me every single day.  I can't go to the doctor because of my job, and I can't quit my job because the pay is just this side of too much. 

So, it's time to try and make lemonade out of these questionable lemons.  I'm trying to combat the stress as much as possible by making a hard effort to do the things that I love.  J's watching Buffy for the first time (we're in season 2) (I envy him - I wish I could watch it for the first time again), because he loved Firefly and Dr. Horrible.  So that's helping my mood.  I'm also reading a lot of Stephen King, which is comforting in its own way.  On Bag of Bones right now because the miniseries is coming out soon, and my MIL promised to Tivo it for me.  I hope she doesn't forget.  I hope that the miniseries doesn't suck.  I'm also doing more cooking than I have in a long time.  It was so easy to fall into the habit of "Oh, I'm tired, and look, RESTAURANT X is just right there" when we were living in Larger City (we recently moved to nearby Smaller City).  That's helping too. 

And there's more, but I just don't feel like tossing out all of the garbage at the same time.  Thanksgiving is looking to be just another fiasco in the In-Laws wonderful history of this holiday (I shall have to recount the tale of last Thanksgiving at some point).  I do not even care at this point, largely because I'm working that day.  Which I was told to do by MIL because she and Grandmother were originally planning to go out of town, only it looks like they're not now.  Whatever, J and I are having brisket, rosemary roasted potatoes, broccoli with cheese (or maybe broccoli casserole if I can find a recipe that looks like what my grandmother used to cook) and some sort of pie.  Maybe Crack Pie.  We'll be just fine.

Now food.  Have a lovely day.

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